New lamps for old, my life for his

The pain. It was like those first few days after Dane died. The same sort of futile, wasted, unavoidable pain. The same anguished impotence. No, of course there was nothing she could do. No way of making up, no way. Scream! The kettle was whistling already. Hush, kettle, hush! Hush for Mummy! How does it feel to be Mummy's only child, kettle? Ask Justine, she knows. Yes, Justine knows all about being the only child. But I'm not the child she wants, that poor fading old woman back on the ranch. Oh, Mum! Oh, Mum . . . Do you think if I humanly could, I wouldn't? New lamps for old, my life for his! It isn't fair, that Dane was the one to die .... She's right. My going back to Drogheda can't alter the fact that he never can. Though he lies there forever, he never can. A light has gone out, and I can't rekindle it. But I see what she means. My light still burns in her. Only not on Drogheda. Fritz answered the door, not clad in his smart navy chauffeur's uniform, clad in his smart butler's morning suit instead. But as he smiled, bowed stiffly and clicked his heels in good old-fashioned German manner, a thought occurred to Justine; did he do double duty in Bonn, too? "Are you simply Herr Hartheim's humble servant, Fritz, or are you really his watchdog?" she asked, handing him her coat. Fritz remained impassive. "Herr Hartheim is in his study, Miss O'neill." He was sitting looking at the fire, leaning a little forward, Natasha curled sleeping on the hearth. When the door opened he looked up, but didn't speak, didn't seem glad to see her. So Justine crossed the room, knelt, and laid her forehead on his lap. "Rain, I'm so sorry for all the years, and I can't atone," she whispered. He didn't rise to his feet, draw her up with him; he knelt beside her on the floor. "A miracle," he said. She smiled at him. "You never did stop loving me, did you?" "No, Herzchen, never." "I must have hurt you very much." "Not in the way you think. I knew you loved me, and I could wait. I've always believed a patient man must win in the end."